Ambiguous Grief
They never tell you how to grieve someone who is still living.
Grief becomes ambiguous when there is a level of uncertainty or lack of closure surrounding a loss. Yes, I know, the word ‘closure’ is so cliché, but it’s a real thing, and without it, we can become frozen in the grieving process. This arrested development leads the way for your hurt to pour out into other areas in your life. I’ll be the first to admit that there have been times when I’ve been stuck, caught in a loop, and it wasn’t the grief itself, but the fact that I didn’t even realize that I had lost something that needed to be grieved.
Usually when we think of grief, we think about the loss of a loved one due to death; and for majority of us, that is how we have experienced it. Everyone knows what to do when this happens. However, grief isn’t restricted to death, or even people for that matter. Loss can come in the form of an ended relationship, a missed opportunity, an absent parent, or any other instance in which something valued has been taken away. This type of grief, this ambiguous grief, doesn’t get a lot of attention, and in some cases it isn’t regarded as a serious concern. There is no funeral service or commemorative traditions to partake in to aid the healing. These experiences are often neglected as “just a part of life” with no real support from others.
So what happens when we are struck with grief, and the source of our quiet suffering is absent and present at the same time? How do we grabble with the reality that the life we once knew is no more, and the future we dreamed of must change?
First, KNOW IT. Come into understanding that something was taken away from you that left you stuck in that moment. Recognize that you have a broken heart, for whatever reason, and you need to grieve.
Second, FEEL IT. Feel everything: the sadness, anger, regret, shame, disappointment. They say, “feelings buried alive, never die.” The feelings will always find a way to resurface when you least expect it, because they are demanding to be felt. Our emotions are present to teach us about ourselves. To make us aware of the things we value and hold close to our heart. So let’s give ourselves permission to be curious about who we are. It’s never easy, but it’s necessary. You can’t move through something if you don’t come into contact with it, first.
Lastly, PUSH THROUGH IT. I know it can be easy to want to hold on to the pain. You’ve held on to it for so long, the normalcy of it is strangely soothing, and how daunting it must be to lose yet another thing you’ve become accustomed to. Yet, there is more waiting for you on the other side of your release. And you don’t have to do this process alone. In fact, it’s best if you don’t. Some of the things that come up for you might be heavy, so don’t be afraid to share the weight with someone else. Try connecting with another person that has survived a similar experience and/or seek professional support.
FORGIVENESS: To be honest, I have mixed feelings about the practice of forgiveness. It can feel like a never ending process at times, or maybe just a really long and drawn out one. Perhaps, my real issue lies in the fact that forgiveness is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do. You not only have to forgive another person, or the circumstance, but there is a part where you have to forgive yourself, too. There is a part where you have to take ownership of your feelings, and make a decision to not allow an event to impair how you see yourself, others, and the world. At this point you’re venturing out into the unknown—into the uncertainty of what your life will be like free from subjugation—that’s scary, and that’s okay. It’s going to take some courage, but you can do hard things!